My life

How to human

So, two posts in one day. I’m in a very different mood from earlier. I think it may be The Vampire Diaries rubbing off on me, making me all melancholic. Or maybe it’s my failed attempt at applying eyeliner. Who knows?

Have you ever forgotten how to human? I seem to have lost my ability to function. I hope it’s temporary. It’s really weird though. It’s like… I feel that no matter where I look I have no purpose or direction and it’s weird because I have goals. And not empty positive ones. Real goals that I’ve taken apart into steps so they’re actually achievable. And I have so much in my life, I’m actually really lucky. So what makes me feel like this? Maybe it’s because I’m terrified of change and my head seems to be changing. I’m apprehensive of large crowds and unknown places. Again that’s odd as I’m usually rather independent and have no problem travelling to a foreign country with no certain plans for example. So why is it that I’m scared of the small things?

For example there’s 2 shops about 5 minutes walk from my house. One of them old, the other one quite new. I can go to the old shop and stay focused on what I need but when I go to the new one I get all anxious and panicky. The other day I was meeting a colleague outside said shops and I found that now I got anxious when I was outside the shop as well.

I know what I think I want to do, but when I look at these prospects it feels like it just goes way above me and I’d have no idea how to even float there, not to mention being able to swim through it. Maybe I just don’t feel like a capable adult? It seems to feel different from the usual ‘I can’t doooo this’ mode though. It feels like it’s coming from inside, I think.

Sometimes out of the blue I just really want to give up. I don’t know which part I’d want to give up. But I think at the moment my cat is a better human than I am. He knows all the right things to say.



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