Helloooo! I hope you’re all well and enjoying the fact that it’s Friday! Whooop! So many exclamation marks! Anyway, I thought long and hard about this one, thinking which way to go about it. In the end I decided to go for something that I’ve not really shared with a lot of people and even though it’s a bit gloomy, I want to tell you lot about it.
Something that someone told me about me that I never forgot
I’m not going to tell you the whole story as it would be quite a long one and rather depressing. I’ll fast forward to the day that this person wrote me the words that threw my world upside down.
‘You’re right about your thighs and stomach being disgustingly flabby and stretchmarked, no-one could love you like that.’
It was not a nice letter overall, in fact it was rather horrible in the whole, but this hurt me the most. The rest of the letter was just some rantings of a disturbed person, but this felt true. Imagine someone putting in writing the worst things you think about yourself and then sending it to you to deliberately hurt you. Not just a passing comment, but something they’ve put thought into. To this person this was a way to make them feel better about themselves, to let out their frustration and deal with their loneliness (your guess is as good as mine as to what was going through their head when they wrote this and many other letters to me during that year of nightmares).
Perhaps if I’d been in a better place myself, it wouldn’t have affected me as much as it did, but it felt like someone was kicking me in the stomach and throwing in a few stabs with a knife for good measure. To me this was confirmation that I’d always be made fun of, would always feel bad about myself, that the worst things that I was thinking about myself were also what others thought of me.
It really snowballed from there, my mind doing the rest of the work (although it didn’t really have to put much effort in it after reading that letter). I felt worthless.
I have come a long way since then, but I’ve still got a long way to go yet. The reason why I wanted to share this with you is to let you know that if something similar has happened to you, you’re not alone. And if you’ve said something hurtful to anyone (whether in the heat of the moment or deliberately), apologising and really meaning it can go a long way. I’m not saying that it’d be a forgive and forget type of thing, but it’s a step closer in any case.
Phew, that was a tough one to write about. I guess it kind of killed the Friyay mood a bit, didn’t it? Oh well, some things are not nice but it doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be talked about. Maybe it’s the perfect time to make amends where amends need to be made. To end this on more of a positive note – tomorrow’s post will be a bit more uplifting.
Next post: Day 3 – 5 places I want to visit.
See you tomorrow!