My life

I’m alive!

I don’t know how many of these I’ve done now… But yes, I’m still here and still writing. I’ve been struggling with life again a little bit and I didn’t want to expose my gloom to the world at the time I was in said gloom. Well, now I’m ready. Actually, it’s not right to say that I’ve been in a gloom – I’ve really been sooooooo happy. However it’s like… there’s a part of me that’s quivering with anxiety and is out of my control. So that’s the part that’s trying to pull me down. The rest of me is floating stubbornly on cloud nine though.

Uhmmm… anyway. What have I been up to? I’ve been back to work and also very busy with my interior design course work (I’m still planning on a little series of posts on my whole course by the way). Got my hair chopped off (I went from having dark brunette hair half way down my back to a short dark blonde bob). 

You know, I don’t actually know what I’ve been doing. I’m just so tired. Haven’t been sleeping well (I’ll get you for this one day, anxiety!). I’ve also just checked that I last posted about a week and a half ago. That’s ages in blog world! Aaaaaaages. I do have a lot of posts lined up, waiting to be written though.

Just waiting… ever so patiently.

I’ll leave it here for now. You know I’m alive and … OH! I just remembered something. I can’t tell you just yet, but it’s going to be really good, I promise!

*flies off cackling to herself*


Books, My life

Work it!

I keep writing and then deleting everything and starting all over again. It’s like I can’t even decide what is going on in my head so how on earth am I supposed to decide what goes on here? I think I’ll just do a quick ‘Hi, that’s what I’ve been up to lately!’ post. Just catching up, you know.

I finished reading a book – Cry Baby by David Jackson. That’s 16/30 now. Reading seems to be the only thing that I always really want to do, no matter what’s going on in my life or head (yes, I do realise I’m talking about my head like it’s a whole other world and you know what? It really is. Half the time even I can’t find my way around there). It was the first book in a while that I wasn’t actually that keen on, but I’m glad I read it. I’ll tell you more about it in my next month’s book post.

I also finished watching a Netflix original series 13 Reasons Why. Another thing that I wasn’t actually keen on. It’s not even that it made me uncomfortable or anything, in fact it didn’t at all – should I be worried? – I just felt really, really annoyed throughout watching it. I felt that the main character was entitled, demanding and just really annoying and … well, a typical teenager, I guess? I know because I’ve been there, seen it and done that. So yeah, didn’t like it.

On a more positive note, I talked to someone recently about some things that are going on – I could probably be even more cryptic if I REALLY tried, right? – and for the first time in about a month or so I feel like there’s change for the better again. I have some realistic plans in place again and it’s helped me a lot. So yes, talking helps. Talk to people. Talk to your friends, your family, your doctor, your cat or pet rock. It really does help. Don’t keep it bottled up.

What else? Oh, yes, I’ve been doing my interior design course work. I’m over half way through and have really enjoyed my studies so far, but this unit is really threatening to do me in. It’s twice as long and requires twice as many reports and assignments. That’s where you picture me sliding off my chair into a puddle and just melt out of existence. I still think I should do a little series on it all. What do you think?

To keep on track with my positive life changes and everything, I’ve also been doing my little 30 day fitness challenge. It’s a free app, called just that – 30 days fitness challenge – every day it reminds me to do my little exercises and yes, sometimes I skip a day and do two days worth the next day and yes, there are official rest days in there, too. It’s nice and simple little things like some jumping jacks, planks, mountain climbers, etc. Starts off quite easy, too, and then gets gradually harder. It’s a good way to keep me a bit more active though. Oh, I’m on day 21/30. Can’t believe I’ve actually managed to keep it going for so long. Quite proud of myself actually.

Anyway, I think that’s us caught up, yeah? Great, I’ll see you next time! Time to go to bed and get all rested and stuff. I think that’s how it’s supposed to go. I still haven’t worked out all the finer details – like, sometimes I seem to wake up and still be tired. What’s up with that? Hmpfh.


My life


That just sounds like some swamp creature haha. Blogblogblog.

Recently I’ve been struggling again quite a bit with all kinds of different things. I guess you could say I’ve had one of those setbacks that I’ve written about previously. Some things in my life have changed and it’s had a bigger impact on my health and well being than I’d have liked. Instead of talking about the changes, I’d like to write a little about the impact and what’s next.

You may remember that a little while ago I wrote about how amazing it feels to be better again. In my joy I forgot that it’s not like a cold that goes and you can get back your life the way it ‘should’ be. Or maybe I just hoped? Hmm, anyway, now that’s shattered, it’s time to deal with things again.

I’m getting a bit tired of always having to ‘deal with things’ to be honest. I’d love to just plod along without having to worry about actively monitoring and working on my thoughts and feelings. Now that’d be a hoot!

Ok, I was starting to get a bitter there, I’ll leave it at that and get on with it. The impact of those earlier mentioned changes is that I’m having a lot more difficult time coping with everyday things again. I had a panic attack (I hadn’t had one in a long time now), I’m struggling to sleep and my thoughts keep wanting to take over. To sum it up – not good!

If I hadn’t had that few weeks/months of feeling well again, I might have thought that I’m back where I started and given up all hope. However as it stands, I did have those weeks/months of feeling well again, so I know it’s not all lost and those feelings are still there somewhere. I know for a fact that it can and will get better.

I think that’s a good starting point. Now I just need to convince my brain and body of it as well. That’s going to be somewhat difficult but I hope I’ll manage. I mean, the alternative is pretty grim so in a way I feel like it can only go up from here on.

I realise it’s a bit rambly-brambly, but I haven’t really felt like writing recently, so I thought I may as well write about what’s on my mind at the moment.

Here, have a picture of my wild strawberries. If they can flourish in that field of weeds that is my back garden, then I’m sure my happy/realistic thoughts will find their way through the bad ones in my head too 🙂



My life

Looking back, I’ve come so far. (Anxiety/Depression)

Hi all! I wrote this post months ago but it never felt like the right time to put it up. Well, today it hit me – I haven’t felt the effects of depression for quite some time now and my anxiety has gone down a lot. And then I started to think back to some of my latest feelings and experiences and I realised how different they now felt, compared to what it used to be like. It’s amazing. Well and truly amazing. My brain has finally realised that I’m… well, happy. And that’s not to say I wasn’t happy before. My brain was just having a hard time coping with things. But I think with this realisation, it’s now the time to show you this post.

I think this is going to be a bit more serious post than usual. This is something my sister suggested I write about quite some time ago and I’ve been toying around with the idea for a while. Last night however I couldn’t fall asleep, thinking what I’d write about. In fact I almost got out of bed to write everything down then, but I thought I’ll sleep on it and see what I think in the morning. Now it’s morning and I think that if this post could help even one person, I’d be incredibly happy, so I’ll go for it. I may try to think of a funnier title for it later, but at the moment it’s ‘Anxiety/depression’.

I’m so glad that recently a lot of people have spoken up about it, shared their personal experiences and shed some light on it. I think one of the most important things to know about this is that you’re not alone. Anxiety and depression are way more common than you’d think.

I’ve been through quite a bit, some of it I brought on myself, some of it not my fault. A lot of these things brought on thoughts and feelings I couldn’t deal with. Years went by and I still hadn’t found a way to cope. For a few years I felt like there wasn’t a way out and I found everything increasingly difficult. Then I got some outside help, without me or them realising that that’s what it was – help. My family was always really supportive and the new people in my life made everything seem a bit brighter again. I wish that could’ve been the end of it, but my burdens ran deep and still crept out every now and then. I was very up and down, struggling without realising I was struggling. That’s the funny part actually. I didn’t realise it wasn’t normal. I thought that’s how everyone feels. Or maybe I just didn’t think about it much.

My eyes were opened when last year, on top of everything else, I had two panic attacks a week apart. I’d had them before, but usually not more often than a couple of times a year. That made me pick up my courage and seek professional help. I rang up my Dr’s office and they asked me to go in for a chat. That chat was to evaluate what kind of help would be the best for me. I found out that the thoughts and feelings I had were brought on by anxiety and depression and that I could actually get better. It was such a revelation to me, to discover that you don’t have to feel constantly anxious and on the edge and that it’s possible to manage the negative thoughts that are just going round and round in your head. It was such a relief to realise that what I’d been thinking and feeling isn’t necessarily what I’ll be thinking and feeling going forward. I could get better!

Together we decided that I should start with computer based cognitive behavioural therapy. This meant that every week I went in for my appointment, to catch up with my support person and then spend an hour going through the week’s materials and exercises in the Dr’s office. I did this by myself with my support person right there in case I needed anything. I liked that. I like doing things by myself so this suited me well.

At this point I wanted to get well so bad that I think I got ahead of myself and thought that I was better than I actually was. I was burying some things without dealing with them. I was lucky as it didn’t all come crashing down on me, but I did have my ups and downs. My therapy sessions ended about four months ago and I’m finding that I do slip back into the negative loop every now and then, but what the therapy did was give me the tools to manage it. That was the whole point of it. Not to magically fix me, but to give me ways to cope and to gradually need to do it consciously less and less. It’s working for me and after all those ramblings that’s what I’d really like to share with you. There’s not going to be any miracle potions or spells, just some tips that are good to have, even if you’re perfectly fine. Some of these things are pretty basic and you may find that you actually already do these, as we’ve all got our little things that help us get through the rough patches. Even I discovered I already had a couple of good habits (among a hundred bad ones but hey, nobody’s perfect!). Please keep in mind I’m not a healthcare professional and am only talking about what I’ve found useful from personal experience.

What I found the most helpful was scheduling in an enjoyable activity. I hadn’t even realised how I wasn’t really doing the things I used to love doing and just felt like I had no energy for anything ever. But scheduling in something enjoyable, giving it priority over everything else and having to do it has worked wonders. I used to feel that for example if I haven’t done the dishes, I can’t relax without feeling guilty, but knowing that this enjoyable thing that I’d booked in for the day was at the very top of my list, meant that I can do it without feeling bad about anything. So I was doing something I enjoyed and it made me feel great. Good enough in fact that I found I could then tackle the rest of the things on my to do list. (Never put more than five things on your daily list though)

Next thing that I have found very helpful is the can I do anything about it? That’s actually something I already used before my sessions and my support person said it’s a very good technique so I’ve continued to use it with great success. Basically it’s really simple. I picture myself in my happy place, conjure up the thought that’s bothering me in my mind’s eye and think – is there anything I can do about this? If the answer is no I picture a big stamp and just slam it on the thought which leaves a big red NO on it. If there is something I could do about it then I schedule it in for a bit later so I can approach it with fresh mind.

The next thing that’s helped me would need a post of its own, so I’ll talk about it quickly and leave a link to a page that describes it in more detail. Recognising thinking errors. It’s something that very many of us do, usually without realising it. Once you do see them though, you can tackle the errors you’re making and gradually change the way you’re thinking. If you look for this on the internet you’ll find a lot more information about it, these are just two websites that I found pretty much cover what I learned. and

There’s a lot more to it, these are just the main things that I’ve found useful. If you feel yourself struggling though, please don’t be afraid to ask for help. If it’s from your Dr or a friend or family member. You don’t have to go through this alone and you can get better. There are also telephone helplines if you’d like to talk to someone anonymously.

So, that’s what I wrote then and I feel it’s still relevant today. Even though I’m now a lot better, I’m still making sure I do something that I enjoy every day and that I used the techniques I learned, to make sure I stay this way. I don’t punish myself for ‘failings’ and am trying to go a lot easier on myself. I’m only human after all (that’s my story and I’m sticking to it. You’ll never get me back, you space creatures!)

*Ahem* Still as nutty as squirrel poo.